Words to My Father
01.05.2020
Still 30 mins to midnight, and i come to realize that I
never forgot about you, dad you live with me constantly, I share with you
things and I am ashamed of some of them , as I know how you think.
I am truly hurt by your death, I suffer even more and
my heart is now coming to an end as I am no longer able to love, or to bear any
emotional carriage. i was thinking that if I grew older it will be easy to keep
your memory within me without any sufferance, It turned out to be a life time
long misery that I will be carrying.
You see, I am
not blaming you for leaving, I am just pouring my heart to your shadow, you
know I can’t do it with mom as she would feel hopeless because she can’t help
in this heart dilemma. She actually loves us and does everything she can for us,
yet all these efforts killed her heart and suppressed her sympathy and so I
wouldn’t dare to share these things with her.
I want you to know that I am incomplete without you, I
long to you and my love for you has shattered me to pieces, after you, life
killed every bit of my sensitivity, innocence and soul. I was seeking something
about you in everyone I meet, but this only invested in a huge disappointment
afterwards. I learned now my lessons the hard way and came back to where I was
before; suffering soul, aching heart with a hollow dull face all in a condensed
dark surrounding.
You are gone now for 20 years ago, such a long time,
but sometimes I have this feeling, as if you are just away and I will see you
again, silly of me I know, yet this is only a way, myself uses against me to
prove that I don’t accept your leaving, at all! 20 years of hell endurance, tormenting soul
refuses to let go, torture seems to be the medicine that will never make any
good to my everlasting state of discomfort and agony.
I don’t even see you in my dreams anymore, as if you
are punishing me for not letting go! Why
you are taking away every minute details of you?
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All the best
ReplyDeleteI loved and appreciated the way your feelings are being expressed in simple but complex and heavy words!
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