RULING MOTHER

 

I am an adult,

   Whenever I am on my way to somewhere, I find myself enthusiastic about it, thinking about it and how I would benefit from these moments, but today was deferent, I was deferent. This the first time I leave home after an argument between me and mom, leave everything behind.

I love mom to death, no one could ever change that and this is a fact but there were always some things about her that I always wanted to change, wanted her to change or at least try to. Those things were actually her strongest characteristics but sometimes she misuses them and that was the topic of our argument yesterday. She wasn’t listening and tried to avoid me, but when she did she tried to pull it over me and make it seem like I am the bad one.

Without mentioning the whole story, why do I find it hard to deal with mother? Is it because I followed all her instructions since I was little and today I am using them against her? Or because of the unlimited hate I gathered from infancy? or maybe I am a grown woman today with a fully operating mind and I can think of my own only to find out that my mother is a selfish dictator who doesn’t allow any option of communication from her own children..?

She didn’t want to talk to me, as if I killed a dear one to her heart, as if I was a criminal charged with disobedience in her own mind and shall never get a pass!! I was hurt, chattered to pieces for I love her and cherish her unconditionally; she never believes it, she says I only love my grandmother.

Granny is an emotional version of mom, she is the most normal thing is my world. She is kind, welcoming, loving, caring and will do anything for her kids as the list goes on…. I always had a very close relationship to grandmother because she always listened and believed in what I had to say but the most important thing is that she was comforting me, sill does, the whole matter set mom to anger because she can’t do that, the emotional part of life. Mother only showed her love with money, paying bills, working hard to buy all we needed, but the not love part.

We always appreciated that of her and loved her for it, she sacrificed her youth to work for us, she always though what she could do best or differently to change the way we lived, so we referred to granny for love, care food and gossiping, we could do everything with granny and it feels right, she never judged us, that what made us so close together.

It’s almost 22h, still in my room trying to figure out a way for me to feel less guilty I left earlier today my hometown and be me!